Unsolicited Birth Stories

As a pregnant person (in the holiday season no less), I am sure you are being flooded with birth stories from family, friends, and strangers of all ages and stages. I assume, some of these birth stories are positive and encouraging, but others are scary or maybe traumatic. Hearing these stories might leave you feeling unsure or anxious about your upcoming births.

Here are my thoughts on ways to experience these stories and process them so you don’t feel overwhelmed or worried.

If you can avoid hearing these stories, that is a great first step. Sometimes a simple “I appreciate you want to share with me, but I would rather hear your story after my baby is born” is enough to end that conversation. I understand this isn’t always possible or comfortable, but it is worth a shot.

If you find yourself listening to a story, then let the person tell it, and at the end respond with “thank you for sharing your story with me,” and if it is a traumatic story you could add “that sounds like a hard experience” (or something similar). You don’t have to ask questions or feel apologetic for their story, you can just let it be done once it’s over.

Now that story is in your head, maybe you’re able to disregard it, or maybe the story continues to play in your mind, and you find yourself worrying that their story will be yours too. But their story can’t be yours, because no two birth stories are the same, ever. You can decide what you take away from their story, and here’s what I recommend.

Often people have hard or traumatic births because they were uneducated or uninformed about what was going on (which is not their fault), they felt alone or unsupported, and they didn’t have a way of processing their experiences afterwards to understand what happened retrospectively. This isn’t how people tell their stories, most likely they are telling you about their baby’s heart rate, or a cesarean delivery, or their baby’s size. But maybe you can read between the lines and hear how they were scared and confused.

You can make plans for your birth to reduce the chance of those experiences. You can take childbirth education classes, you can communicate with providers about birth preferences (make a birth plan), you can have doula support, you can talk with a therapist and your provider after your birth to ask questions. These are all tangible and plannable ways to avoid having the hard experience your friend has just got done telling you about.

I am also a big fan of affirmations or mantras that you can tell yourself when things seem big or overwhelming. Here are some for you to use after hearing a story that is stuck in your mind.

• Every birth is different

• I have a strong support system

• I have carefully chosen my birthing place

• I will ask questions if I have them

• I trust my body

• I trust my support people

• If birth is hard, I have the resources I need afterwards to heal

I hope these serve you.

I have three final thoughts on this topic.

One, if there are people in your life who haven’t told you about their experiences, ask them what the best part of their birth was. Often people who have positive birth experiences aren’t as likely to tell their stories because our social script is to tell scary stories. So ask them and see what you can learn, if you want to.

Two, feel free to rant about having stories dumped on you that you didn’t ask for. Rant to a family member, partner, friend, doula, or therapist. Talk about the absurdity of these stories. I think talking about them gives them less power.

Three, share your positive experiences about pregnancy and birth afterwards and in the years to come. Change the narrative in your community and friend group. Offer encouragement and excitement to parents-to-be around you.

I hope you find this helpful, and please feel free to share it with other pregnant folks in your life who are sharing this struggle